My Dreams

My dreams are often miles out of reach.

It's as though I was never meant to have a dream.

It's like my autumn will never see spring.

It's as though I was born unlucky.

I never mourn nor fret about my plight.

My cup does run over, not of favour.

Not of chance, not of wine; not of splendour.

ⒸCI

"Help of the Helpless Lord, Abide with me"

There are times in everyone's life when faith is gone and hope is lost.

 Oftentimes, this is a time when life has dealt a strong blow to your peace and shattered your desire to hold on a little bit longer. You are walking without convinction and you are uncertain which way to go. 

Why bother act when you don't believe? 

You have made decisions you thought were good and pleasant to the lord. 

You have supported good causes and have been a decnt human being. 

Despite all your good effort life just doesn't seem to favour the good. Why is this? 

You and I have experienced such a day, week, month, year- even years of darkness hovering over our heads like the clouds in the sky. 

As if we have been cursed. We begin to contemplate if we have been journeying on the right road. Why is the road so narrow? 

Why does the road not look so straight

 anymore? Which way do I go?

You begin to  ask yourself whether you ever believed and whether believeing was worth it.

You begin to question the most innocent occurances in your life because everything should happen for a reason. 

You wish you could predict the begining of your pains and could command they fall behind thee like Jesus majestically commanded in the wilderness.

These times never come once or twice in a lifetime.They come in seasons and as such have the power to turn what was once warm, cold.

There maybe times, inbetween the winters of our lives when we feel like summer might just come sooner rather than later.  These feelings weigh down on us like a rock tied around our neck. 

In these moments, who we believe and who we listen to are just as imporatnat as what we do and not do. 

It has been said that if your faith is as small as a mustard seed, it can still grow into a giant tree with countless branches.

So, don't let the storms of life drown your dreams for a good life. 

Three amazing reasons why being a mother is the best decision I will ever make.

1. Because it is the best teaching experience.

I first became a mother on August 20th 2013. You should see my face whenever  I think, say or write this date. I glow beyond measure and I feel a great amount of happiness. Being a mother has been the toughest decision I have had to live with and that I am still living with today. I wake up each day knowing that I am going to be taught by someone I carried for 9 months and that I have nurtured since she came into this world. There is no denial that my child has taught me more in 2 years than I have learned in 20+ years studying to become a solicitor. I have been taught how to be strong and meek at the same time. How to be firm and gentle at the same time. How not to think that you have got it all under control because nothing about life is predictable. How to be happy and be in pain at the same time. There is nothing more endearing than to see your child walk alone by your side, to see that there is enough confidence within her tiny body to do so without  holding mummy's hand. At the same time, I always feel a pang of pain, not a tragedy-infused pain but a pain that comes from letting go. I am constantly being taught how to be patient with love. Not just waiting anxiously to see changes or receive an answer but waiting with love. I am constantly being tried in this department because I am so used to working and seeing results. When you are a mother, it takes some time to see the result of your work and efforts. I have been taught that it is okay to not know everything. Which mother hasn't goggled questions ranging from 'my daughter is not walking yet should I be worried,'  to 'my daughter cried longer than usual today,should I be worried?' My daughter has shown me that asking questions is the way to increase understanding and not just knowledge. I can't count how many times my daughter asks me the same questions in a day. I must admit that sometimes, I wish she would ask once and let go. But that will never happen. My daughter has taught me the difference between knowing and understanding because I have observed that the moment she understands something,she doesn't ask me about that thing again. Being constantly challenged and taught is a privilege I enjoy from being a mum.

2. Because being a mother makes you more aware of others.

As humans, we have a tendency to forget that other people are out there in the world  experiencing life just the way we are experiencing it. Some of us forget that other people exist all together. We choose to believe that our lives matter most. Now, when you become a mother, you are taking part in something that is universally and globally practiced and you start to see the world as a place where you would love for your child and others to grow and become who they choose to be. You start to be aware of other peoples's fears and worries. It is not all about you anymore. When people are kind to your child, you have met the best people in the world. When they are less kind, you are ready to bet that they are the meanest you will ever meet. You cry when you see children suffer and you know how other mothers feel when they talk about their struggles. You empathize more easily and you want to help as much as you can. You start to understand that you are part of  a whole that needs a constant infuse of goodness. Because you understand that your child is going to live in this world, you want to make it better. That is exactly how I feel as a mother. I fear for the future when I see how angry and dangerous the world has become. I am hopeful when I see good things happening and I hear progress is been made around the world. I am not only concerned about my city or country, I am concerned about the world. I am constantly looking around me to make sure I am not missing an opportunity to help another person. I not only do so because I am aware but because I know that a mother is out there praying for someone to see and help her child.


3. Because being a mother has made me a better woman

A woman is constantly being told how she should look and behave. If you read any news about a woman, no matter how educated and accomplished she is, you will probably be amazed at how many references to  her appearance  you would read. As  if all a woman can be is pretty.
Now, as women, we are overly conscious of our appearances, We are constantly pushing the boundaries of how to stay young and perky forever. I am all for living a healthy life and let time play its part. When you are a woman you are constantly judged and talked at, you are always and going to be a subject of debate and much controversy. Being a woman also means you are constantly put in a competitive struggle even though you are not interested in any competition.
Being a mother has allowed me to gain much leverage in my approach to dealing with people in general. Even though I never saw people as  competitions or threats, being a mother has completely erased any form of such idiocy. I understand that we are all in different places in our lives. You can not go about comparing a pen to a pencil.
More so,mothering another being has made me very much in tune with my inner self. That part of me that is the driving force of all my accomplishments. I am more synchronized to my self allowing for more productivity and fulfillment. I am more focused on what matters to me in life and I am quick to chuck out any useless addition. I am constantly seeking for improvement and I am happy that I am imperfect. Being able to reconcile your imperfections is a life long struggle.I find it easier to forgive myself  and others and  to move on from things that I have failed at. I understand the part failure plays in my life and even though it is painful to fail, I do not let it stop me.
Being a mother has opened my eyes to the beauties of this world and seeing things through my daughter's eyes is an amazing experience. I realize everyday that I am more than a face,a body. I am constantly evolving. I am a woman that cannot easily be defined.

Why giving up is ideal!!!

Giving up takes a lot of strength and gut but that is not always how we are meant to see it. We are told that giving up is for the weak and that the next step you take might be the deal breaker.
However, in life there are times when giving up is the best thing you could ever do. Here are some situations were giving up is for the brave.

 When you are hurt

Who has not been hurt and disappointed by someone or something you put your faith and trust in? Who has not been left bewildered by the amount of pain one can manage when pain is pricking deep into one's heart. Who has not been betrayed by a loved one and abandoned by the people you considered family and friends. Whatever your current predicament or past experiences,in these circumstances, it is better to give up on the hurt than to let it grow into a mustard tree.


When you fail

Failure is the least of any one's expectation. No body likes to fail and those who seem to embrace failure easily have only gain such control through years of practice. Failing is like a broken marriage, the thought of it makes you cringe and the past never seem to some too quick enough. Failing in any aspect of life is a tough blow that nobody is really capable of resisting. You only know how good you are at surviving when you have brushed despondency or death. As painful as it is to fail,it is worse not to give it up. Giving up on failure means not defining yourself in relation to what happened but instead focusing on what better things would happen when preparation and hard work are put to play.

When you are waiting on something


When you are expecting what you consider would be the true source of your happiness, it is strength-consuming. You seem to only think, forget to eat or eat too much, breath and live the thought of your life getting better when that event occurs. The truth is always an event and so is reality. The event is your life and when you slow down  your life because of an unforeseen or unknown future, it is better to give up on not living. Do something new! Start something you always wanted to do! Help people ! It is better to live alright today instead of waiting for the perfect tomorrow that never seem to come soon enough. Don't give up on the dream,just work your way towards it.

Do you love your family?

It is always a relief to know that you are not alone. And that I think is the main reason family is essential. Humans are not meant to be isolated in any way. Even when isolation is a deliberate choice, being alone is always seen as a default position.

Well, family as a unit is a beautiful thing but not always idealistic and achievable for a lot of people. Although everyone is genetically linked to someone, it takes more than blood and birth to connect people for a lifetime. Family is a union of differences and a a constant choice to be made .

I hear so many people say that they did not choose their family. Whilst that is debatable, I also hear the same people say they could not have become who they are without their family. So, here are a few tips that have been tested and are effective in making  your family, the family of your dream.

Choose everyone of them

Choose to accept your family members for who they are. Choose to ignore what you must and believe them even when they disappoint you. Choose to accept what makes them different by not judging them too harshly for being who they choose to be.


Love them

Love takes time therefore you must accept that time will play a huge part in building whatever there is to be built, to make your family stronger and happier. Play and hang out with your family asmuch as you can, because as you know, life is unpredictable. Remember love is spelt TIME.


Treat them

Sometimes you have to go out of your way to show your family members that they matter.  You don't need to break the bank. As long as you are giving something out of your heart then whatever you give is good enough.


Forgive them

Forgive them as long as you have breath. Most times forgiveness is for the person who has been hurt. It is a cure for pain, guilt, envy and resentment. When a person you love treat you poorly, don't just give the other cheek; give your heart a proper wipe through forgiveness. Let time do the healing as you deliberately give up the grudge.

I am back from a deep sleep

Hello Guys,

I have so much to say and don't know how to start. Some of you know that I and my little family moved a year ago to Bristol,UK. We have been busy trying to build a nest and create stability for our little angel. I decided to finish my legal studies by climbing the final academical steps, known as the Legal Practice Course. This I had to do in order to someday work as a solicitor. It has been a long and a laborious journey and  one that I have been excited to take. I did feel a lot of anxiety at the beginning but it all faded  away as I discovered new ideas and acquired new skills.
Meanwhile, my baby started creche a month after we arrived and she has been attending ever since. She has grown to be an exciting and happy baby. I love to see how much she anticipates going there every week.
My other baby has been a support to me and many others. He has been making life more enjoyable for the family and I feel blessed to have him.

Now we are taking each day as it comes and we are working hard together. I would like to focus on the operative word been together; My husband always reminds me that I am a mother. Whilst this truth does not always taste sweet when it is served to me, I understand exactly what he means.
I am a caring and kind person, but now and then I feel like I am kind to everyone and everything except to myself.  I can not remember a time when I have only thought about myself. As a mother, I try to give everyone the attention that they deserve. And mostly, I try not to ignore my feelings and I always access my emotions and find ways to heal.

As a christian and a Mormon, I have had a very spiritually-structured upbringing and my life has been molded in a way that I find real security in knowing who I am and why I am doing whatever I choose to do. I have those moments when everything I do seem to never work out as planned. I doubt myself and I question my intentions. I expect a lot from myself and I fall short in so many ways.
However with all these feelings of inadequacies also comes the sweet reassurance  that I have a purpose, and that knowledge guides me through hard times

In all, I am grateful that I have the luxury of life and health. I am grateful that I am surrounded with people who love me and that I love. I am grateful that I believe and that my belief is a strength in times of despair. I hope that with time and experience, I will be able to embrace the part of me that makes me a stranger in my own house. After all, knowing oneself is the greatest discovery anyone can ever make!

Love
Comfort

Pursuit of the unknown

Do you feel after waking up from a dream that it will never come true? Or that the nightmare you just had was definitely going to come to pass? Does it ever occur to you like a déjà-vu, that what just happened had happened before? And, that even if you had wished to change a word or an action,you attempt would have have been futile?

How about working daily and striving to reach a place or achieve a momentum that you know will not come naturally to you?I may sound like a cynical or a defeatist.but what I am trying to say is that there are times when I feel that my desire and determination to put in the work and take risk in order to succeed do not yield the fruit I so much desire to at least pluck even if I never taste it.

. Someone I know says that the world will pay you according to what it think you are worth. He said that to encourage young people to gain education or learn a trade.

I have always thought that an effort no matter how small always counts. That the desire to achieve something is stronger than the thing desired. I also realize that the challenges I face each day are not unique to me and that most of them are a result of many other factors that come into play when a person tries to be more than what he/she is tagged to become.

In retrospect, I know now that my determination and self-respect has helped me in small and big ways. Also my interest in people no matter their group has allowed me to understand that while patience is bitter, the fruit is always sweet.

Shades of Bitterness (part 1)

Last night I had a dream.
In what I thought was unreal.
I saw the two of us walking.
Making things look surreal.
We saw the cloud gathering,
pondered on the meaning.
We got to a path with 2 dividing.
We could only see by choosing.
One of us chose to be the lead.
The other chose to believe.

There was a long road in sight.
Yet we walked without fright.
As we got closer to the hill,
The shades of bitterness swirled in.
Who we were and what we did,
They asked impatiently.
I spoke first confidently.
Saying: love knew no boundary.

Laughing thunderously at me,
One shade walked to me by an inch.
Prying into my soul diffidently,
Said: ‘love is pain or nothing’.
I held the hand of the lead:
the voice of reason.
Behold and lo, these were his saying:
Life is but a journey.
The moment you embark in it,
You visit the world of infinity.

The curves may be deeper.
The hills may grow higher.
The thunders will strike louder.
The road may be longer.
Yet, if love holds to the sour,
Then it loses precious savour.


Then came the shade of guilt,
Pointing at me, spoke, saying:
'You had sold more for nothing,
you had spoken more than listening,
You had believed more in flattering,
Gave the bread, you are starving.’
When the finger dropped finally,
I could see nothing but fear.


Last night I had a dream.
I beheld my friend speaking ill,
Of what I did that was mean.
It was a sight to see, indeed.
Friendship bore one meaning.
It was about giving and not taking.
I was there awe-struck and smiling,
Startled at the misunderstanding,
Feelings of unfulfilled promises,
Crawled into my mind like viruses-
Attacking every inch of my being.

The shades of bitterness stepped in.
Eyes covered in tears,
I did not see.
The shades stood beside me.
‘You love too quickly for no reason.
Towards men yea must deal wisely.
The heart was made for many things.
And friendship is one on the list.
To trust a man, one is at risk,
of becoming wretched endlessly.
For the mouth speaks loudly,
While the heart stays fast asleep.
To hold tight a hand so wobbly,
Even with a tight grip is chancy.’

Then I remembered that day,
There was loneliness and pain.
And not a friend took them away.

By comfort I.

The half-lived life.

I imagine how tasteless life would be. To live and conjugate singularly. I would have to bear the clouds on myhead. No stranger,foe nor friend to clear the air. I wear my pity most times every day. I hate to live because I am afriad. I do little of what I love doing. Without him or it, I should not begin. When next I get a chance to live again, I would not shudder at tomorrow's rain. It would be like we never were apart. Like the sun never stopped to shine, Like the clouds never left the sky. Like all we ever do will always last.

Love Apart

The moon has ascended between us, Between two pines That bow to each other; Love with the moon has ascended, Has fed on our solitary stems; And we are now shadows That cling to each other, But kiss the air only. By Christopher Okigbo

One Art

The art of losing isn't hard to master;
so many things seem filled with the intent
to be lost that their loss is no disaster,

Lose something every day. Accept the fluster
of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

Then practice losing farther, losing faster:
places, and names, and where it was you meant
to travel. None of these will bring disaster.

I lost my mother's watch. And look! my last, or
next-to-last, of three beloved houses went.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,
some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.
I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster.

-- Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture
I love) I shan't have lied. It's evident
the art of losing's not too hard to master
though it may look like (Write it!) a disaster.


Elizabeth Bishop


P.s:
This year,I mastered the art of Losing;
I made promises that I tried to keep.
I had dreams that I tried to live,
I found love that seems so unreal.
If life is what I've left,its worth living!